Loading the Dishwasher With a Toddler: 49 Easy Steps

IMG_9133Company will be arriving in twenty minutes. The kitchen currently looks like a busy restaurant after the dinner rush.  A busy restaurant where all of the workers had a food fight before they went on strike and threw dishes over their shoulders as they ran out the door.

The dishwasher must be loaded. The following is an easy to follow guide to loading the dishwasher while parenting a toddler.

  1. Turn on toddlers favorite show.
  2. Slide off of the couch like an invertebrate while trying not to draw attention to yourself leaving the room.
  3. Silently fist pump once you have made it to the kitchen.
  4. Open the dishwasher door.
  5. Swear at the tell tale creaking.
  6. Glance up.
  7. Lock eyes with toddler.
  8. Beg toddler to stay in the living room.
  9. Remove toddler from dishwasher.
  10. Beg older children to entertain toddler.
  11. Haphazardly throw dishes into dishwasher.
  12. Remove toddler from dishwasher.
  13. Chase toddler into other room to remove wet dishes from his hands.
  14. Console screaming toddler, and place him in front of favorite show.
  15. Sprint back to kitchen like Usain Bolt.
  16. Throw handfuls of silverware into dishwasher.
  17. Remove toddler from dishwasher.
  18. Consider using only paper plates from now on.
  19. Remember how many children you have, and calculate that you would fill a landfill in approximately six days.
  20. Remove toddler from dishwasher.
  21. Contemplate bathing toddler in dishwasher from now on.
  22. Chase down toddler to retrieve forks.
  23. Consider hiding dishes elsewhere until company has left.
  24. Eye oven.
  25. Remember that time you tried to use oven as a breadbox, melted plastic to four loaves of bread and nearly burned the house down.
  26. Scrap idea to hide dishes.
  27. Pick up the dishes toddler has unloaded from dishwasher while you daydreamed.
  28. Mop up puddle of water from unloaded dishes.
  29. Remove toddler from dishwasher.
  30. Gag over curdled milk in sippy cup.
  31. Consider leaving bowls of water around the house for children instead of cups.
  32. Remember how often toddler dumps dog bowl.
  33. Scrap kid water bowl idea.
  34. Remove toddler from dishwasher.
  35. Load cups into dishwasher like cupstacking champion.
  36. Wonder why cupstacking is a thing.
  37. Contemplate new career as a cupstacker.
  38. Drop pile of cups, spilling water on toddler, who is sitting in the dishwasher again.
  39. Console wet, screaming toddler.
  40. Wrap toddler in towel, and place him in front of favorite show.
  41. Wonder where television remote went.
  42. Remove television remote from dishwasher.
  43. Realize you have three minutes left until company arrives.
  44. Remove toddler from dishwasher.
  45. Close dishwasher door.
  46. Forget about loading dishwasher.
  47. Make coffee for company.
  48. Commiserate over toddler/dishwasher love affair.
  49. Drink coffee out of paper cups.